This past week has had a lot happen in it. I shared part of my Addiction/Trauma Timeline, and then am preparing the second half. I cried in front of everyone for the first time and honestly it felt alright. Today I went to horses for the first time and I fell in love. I love horses so much. We watched them interact with each other and learned about their pasts, and then we guessed which horse was which. I had a really good time and felt happier and calmer after being around them.
Here I’ve learned how to handle a lot of different things life throws at me. I’ve learned how to regulate my emotions and deal with them properly. Canyon has given me a wide skill set so I can pick which skill I find the most effective. Here at canyon I’ve also learned how to be vulnerable. Recovery isn’t easy but it’s sure worth it.
Ever since I first started trying to get clean and sober several years ago, I have been told to “act as if.” I “acted as if” I wanted to stay sober until it was my goal for myself. I “acted as if” I wasn’t depressed and eventually it brought me out of depression. Nowadays, I don’t have to “act as if” anymore, but I still do. I am looking carefully at the words I use when speaking to myself and how they affect my day. Often, I tell myself that I should or shouldn’t be feeling a certain way, that I should be farther along, that I should know the answers. When I tell myself these things I’m shutting myself off from the truth of what is really going on inside of me at any given moment; I am robbing myself and others of intimacy and connection. I “act as if” I am perfect, I am better, I know all the answers, and at the end of the day it just means I am beating myself up for any mistakes I have made. My goal today is to be honest with myself in every moment. It is to be vulnerable even when it takes courage to do so. Today I will accept that I have emotions that aren’t always pretty and that recovery isn’t a straight line. I can meet the world as it is even when it takes me by surprise. I don’t have to “act as if” anything is different than it is in this moment, because the truth and reality of the present is exactly where I am meant to be.
Here at Canyon I have been able to truly find myself again. I have an amazing sponsor and my therapy sessions have really turned my life around. I have been here for a little over four months now and I was hopeless when I walked in Canyon. I have grown so much I have got my interests back, my personality, I have coping skills, and I have learned how to be responsible for my own actions. Canyon Crossing has truly given me an opportunity of a life time. I have changed for the better and I’m still growing because I came here.
55, cloudy and breezy
Kids playing, loving families
A mom and a dad
Dad playing football with the kids
Couples and dogs
People enjoying a walk on this chilly day
Old town, historic
Grass, nice and green
Statues, flags and court house
The famous Whisky Row
The World’s Oldest Rodeo and 14 fine shops
Stores galore in this small down town
They call The Square
It’s a breezy chilly day in October of 2018
As I sat in the second row back
Looking at the stars through the fogged glass window and
Listening to the voices sing along with a song
Playing on the radio
I felt a rush so strong
It was as if the van had crashed
For the first time I finally felt true love
Love for the women around me
Love for power of our unity
Love for myself
I understand now that we need each other
Every single one of us
To stay alive
We cannot do this alone
These are my sisters
This is my family
My inner judge is always in the room. He’s taken over my head and for too long I’ve allowed him to distort my reality. I don’t deserve the things he says to me. He’s mean and cold and I won’t stand for it anymore. I’m going to have a self love party and he won’t get an invitation. I now choose better friends like self love, joy and kindness. Those are the kind of people I want around me. I choose my new friends and my new life. I surround myself with love and serenity.
I’ve been seeing more and more “coincidences,” which I can’t keep writing off. I think it’s a way of having my higher power communicate and make itself known to me. I think I’ve ignored it long enough and it finally got tired of me ignoring what my higher power does for me. I’m happy and proud of myself recently and I haven’t felt like that in years. The promises are starting to come true for me and I’m at a place where I can see them and appreciate my life.