Personal Thoughts, Stories & Reflections From People In Early Recovery: Part 8
Monday, August 20, 2018ccrecovery
STUCK IN PAIN
It’s like I’m stuck
Stuck in a smoke filled room
I know I need to get out
But the longer I stay
The more I inhale
I swear I’m trying to break free
But the more I try to escape
The stronger the smoke pulls me back in
Why does this smoky haze pull me in so strong?
Who knew you could get a sensation from pain
Pain you think over and over about
Pain you use to create a smoky haze in your brain.
I have only been at Canyon Crossing for six days. Everything is so new and different for me, which is scary and difficult for me. What I can say is that everyone has been so understanding, nice and attentive towards me. I went to my first yoga class today and it was amazing. I can’t wait to start my second week so I can see what more new things Canyon will have in store for me.
Though a host should encamp against me. My heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this I will be confident.
I chose this poem this week because it reminds me of my continuous fight against addiction. No matter the struggle it may bring. I shall never give in. I have learned the tools through Canyon to fight.
I just wrote grief letters and it’s teaching me where I am as far as letting things go, go. Through writing these letters has helped me see that the opposite of love is not hate it is indifference. When I read my letter I felt a lot of energy in my calves (your root chakra) which makes sense because I’m finally using my voice. I have a place on this earth and my voice matters.
Gratitude is very important. I have so many things I’m grateful for today. The main thing is that I didn’t have to use or drink to get out of bed this morning and I know that I don’t have to use or drink to go to bed today. I love that feeling every single day. There is so many things I am grateful for and the list could go on and on for days. But, I’ll stop there because it is the most important for me in my recovery today!
I want to apologize to all the women
I have called pretty
before I’ve called them intelligent or brave
I am sorry I made it sound as though
something as simple as what you’re born with
is the most you have to be proud of when your
spirit has crushed mountains
from now on I will say things like
you are resilient or you are extraordinary
not because I don’t think youre pretty
but because youre so much more than that
-milk and honey by rupi kaur
Who likes change? I know I don’t like change at all, but my life has had some big changes. I moved to OP, moved houses and got a buddy. It has been quite nerve raking and my anxiety has been crazy. Change for me is normally negative change so to have positive change in my life is a whole new thing for me. It has defiantly taken time to get used to having positive change. What I have learned to do is just take things as they come and that is how I am dealing with all of these new things in my life.
Coming to Canyon is my biggest victory. Before I came here I felt miserable in my depression. I had just come home from a rehab in Wickenburg and did not apply any of the coping skills or tools I had learned there. I was home for two months and even though I had not relapsed in my drug use I was still hanging out with my using friends and around drugs constantly. My brother was my biggest using buddy and I was over at his apartment everyday begging him to just let me have a sip of wine or one hit of a blunt. He kept me sober even though he used around me. I was going to an IOP in my town constantly leaving early to go hang out with friends and make drug runs with them. I was stealing money from my parents to buy cigarettes and food. I was visiting my old school that I had dropped out of to let everyone there know that I had just gotten out of rehab and that I was a drug addict just to have a reputation. I was hanging out with my ex everyday and sleeping with him while hanging out with my other ex who then assaulted me because he was jealous. After that happened I knew I had to go somewhere. I didn’t even feel safe in my own bed anymore. I was sleeping on the couch every night until Io came here. My life was a mess and I was so close to relapsing. Coming here saved my life.
Once I was lost
Deep within a makeshift world
Created by pain, delusion, and hate.
Full of dreams that never came true and nightmares that did
From them, from myself, from everything I knew.
Consistently falling deeper into dark destruction. In a labyrinth of stopped time
In a maze of insecurity…
Once I was found
I dug my way out
A light led my way;
Created by acceptance, friendship, and love.
Full of dreams that were coming true and nightmares that are in the distance past.
Running toward peace, toward God, toward life.
A direct road to happiness,
A direct road to serenity